Ride or Dies...

*reflection on friendship

Dear friends, please note this is one of only a handful of pieces that is behind a paywall on After The Fact, the majority is FREE! The reasons some pieces are not is explored here, however, if you can’t afford it or are not sure about paying yet then you can receive everything gratis by recommending/referring this newsletter to three others, it’s very simple just forward as per the purple button below. Full details on how the referral scheme works here. Thank you to all who read this, subscribers both free and paid, I really do appreciate you!

Love,

Emma x o x o

---

A few months ago I wrote a reflective piece on the subject of Fair-Weather Friendships now as a kind of counterbalance here are some musings on the other end of the buddy spectrum - ‘Ride or Die’ friendships. These are the ones who transcend, who understand, the ones who you can be a total and utter mess around, present in times of trouble (though importantly they never revel in your pain) and in times of great joy, which of course they enhance, there basically through all types of metaphorical weather. These friends are often around for years and years, decades (if you’re old enough), though time is not the most important factor here, it is instead something more like their ability to let you just be, and be, as saccharine as it may sound, yourself, however odd, that self may sometimes seem. The Ride or Die dynamic is also a reciprocal one of course in contrast to the Fair-Weather type.

However, to be clear, this does not mean that they let you act like a total asshole, true Ride or Dies are in fact bearers of brutal truths, yes they are supportive and kind and fun all that more obvious best-friend stuff, but equally these friends are not for the faint of heart, they will not indulge in sycophantism and so when you really, really need to be told that perhaps your behaviour in some way has just not been very cool, that maybe you were wrong that particular time, or maybe you do need to stop doing that thing that’s really truly bad for you they will be the one to say it. The Ride or Die schooling you, where needed, will in the long term, make you a better person and indeed create a stronger bond between you both. (A distinction: controlling friends exist too of course and they are probably also that person who points out some perceived shitty behaviour of yours but typically this is done in a much less direct and much more callous way than from the mouths of Ride or Dies; the Ride or Die crit emerges ultimately from a place of deep care.)

Photo credit: David Horgan Art. Me looking out to sea, I seem to be alone but I am not as my Ride or Dies are always present.

Some things a RoD will allow for and accept whole-hearedly include: vomit, tears, anxiety attacks, dark nights of the soul, accusations, temporary madness, demands for attention at ungodly hours of the night, paranoia, heartbreak induced wallowing, grief, mistakes….