Fair-weather versus Ride or Dies...

*God knows you got to give to get back

Photo credit: Kaysar Miah, 2011 who is a solid all-weather friend.(Fair-weather friend? Ask yourself are they only present when you are at ‘The Cocktail Bar’ wearing a leopard print dress?)

“They say the family of the 21st Century is made up of friends, not relatives... then again maybe that's just bollocks,” said Daisy Steiner back in ‘99 during an episode of Spaced when her, Brian, Mike and Tim's friendship was being tested. One thing I'd probably add to Daisy's quip is that it feels more like the roles and heavily demarcated lines between family and friends have melded this century for better and/or worse. (Some boundaries probably ought to be kept, and I no doubt should not have had sex with my new boyfriend in that Barcelona hotel aged twenty with my mum sleeping but a few feet away!)

Musing on the qualities of true connection I recently recalled a secondary school PSE lesson, (Personal Social Education for those who went to school during different eras/in different countries), that focused our young minds on the topic of friendship. Our teacher asked us to get into small groups and discuss what we valued in friendships and then after ten minutes discussion to report back to the class. Back we came dutiful, teacher-pleasing year- 7’s friends, we asserted, should be: loyal, nice, friendly, kind, ‘there for you’. (Friendly friends, I know, but remember we were twelve.)

‘Eurgh, yeah, great said the teacher but what about fun? None of you have said fun!’

And he was right, and of course we weren’t telling the whole truth about what we wanted. Ideally we would like all these qualities in our ‘chosen family’ and actually in our actual family too. But what of those fair-weather ones, do those lacking companions still deserve a place in our lives? Those ones who might be entertaining and fun and lively when they want to be, when the times are good, the wine is flowing, the music is blaring, and most of all it’s easy-peasy for them but who, when life throws a challenge, or they have to actually put in some effort, or indeed the party stops for just a wee moment, are nowhere to be found.

Now everyone has a time when they are a less than fantastic and available friend/family- member, a time when they become more of an absent ghostly-presence, perhaps because of an illness, a bereavement, having had babies, having had their heartbroken, having moved countries, having been through a trauma, and so on, and these are the times when of course you can’t always give everything to everyone in your phone book, (old school! i-phone contact list?). So I do not mean that kind of thing, I’m talking rather of the habitually self-absorbed, the selfish, the ones who you notice a pattern of carelessness with, and realise that said pattern has been going on for years, decades, more! The type who can not only not be relied on in times of difficulty but less dramatically and more insidiously can never seem to see beyond their own preferences, ease, and needs. The ones who never seem to consider the time and energy you may have put into being a good chum to them. Again I’m not suggesting one should self-sacrifice for family and friends, that’s an awful way to live and women, (especially, though not exclusively), have been trained to do way too much of that already I’m meaning simply the give and take of being there because as El Perro Del Mar so sweetly sang God knows you’ve got to give to get back.

Relationships go through phases of course too, moon seasons, I certainly don't spend as much, (in fact any), time with the Tequila Drinking Bastards Club these days, though we were tight when we were all in our early twenties to the extent that we printed very cool 'business' cards with the 'TDBC' design on them. Then there are those individuals who drift away for a time, or else you drift from them, till one of you comes delightfully floating back to the other. But I’m not meaning these types either, I'm talking of the dyed in the wool fair-weather type: the continual takers, the ones where the balance of contact, time, hospitality, and energy exchange is always always off. Are these heedless ones worth it? I feel like I may have answered my own question in writing this. It’s quite leading and the answer seems to be probably not, (but also maybe just relax a bit, and enjoy their company when they’re right there in front of you but also just be careful with that precious energy and self around them, basically lower your expectations and don’t expect too much). Ow, but it really hurts to accept that. What does it mean not to have been valued highly enough to have received just a little bit of thought? It just means it’s them not you!*

It also means it’s time to consult the theory of Troublesome Buddhas, a Zen Buddhist idea that I like a lot and am, as they say, working on. Troublesome Buddhas are those who upset, hurt, aggravate, or anger us, they are often the people we obsess the most over and they are often too, annoyingly, our finest teachers. I first learned this concept from yoga teacher and Zen monk, Mark Westmoquette in his book Zen and the Art of Dealing with Difficult People. The aim of Mark’s book is to help the reader/practitioner view these types of people afresh. To be mindful, (overused but a good word), of the ‘troublesome or challenging people in our lives’ and to be aware of ones own pattern of behaviour in ‘relation to them’ and to look at why ‘it often causes pain’. Then to accept that the only way we ‘can grow is by facing this pain’, even the small one of someone letting us down by being a bit repeatedly thoughtless in my example, or in some of Mark's examples committing behaviours that are far, far, more serious. The next step is to do the seemingly simple work ‘of acknowledging how we feel’ of noticing how we react, how our bodies react, how we process, and what we are able to learn. As Mark points out even the idea of referring to these troublesome people as Buddhas can flip the script. So stop bitching and moaning girl and start noticing, accepting and gently shifting. Well that's my take on it but I'd recommend you go to the source and study the book yourself. (Mark also has a lovely podcast related to these ideas called Zen at the Sharp End.)

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As always thank you so much for reading. Please do like, share, subscribe and forward this email to interested friends, fair-weather or not! If this sort of thing is your bag you may like my piece on the ideology of compassion here and for something utterly different you might like this personal essay on my choice to remain child-free here.

Love from,

Emma x o x o

*caveat /confession: I have committed a whole litany of sins against both family and friends over the years, have been repeatedly wrong in my behaviour. My aim is and remains presence, kindness and yes to be 'a cheerleader of fun', of course I often miss the mark.

A piece on the topic of Ride or Die friends to follow….